November Compassion Fatigue Peer Support Group Meeting

• Fri., Nov. 17th
• 12:30 - 2:00pm
• Register here.

Are you creative? Join us for our Crafting Group. 

Bring any craft you like, get on Zoom with us and visit with your colleagues while

we knit, sew, paint, draw, cook, create, etc. 

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Introducing our On-Demand Store! Now, even non-members can benefit from RECAMFT's extensive CE video library by purchasing select individual video programs in our On-Demand Store. If you have any questions or need assistance, feel free to reach out to our friendly support team at therapy@recamft.org. We are here to help!  

You can also visit our On-Demand Store to purchase CE presentations that were not offered free with membership, and it is not required to be a RECAMFT member for purchase: https://www.recamft.org/on-demand-training  We have plans to release more programs to the On-Demand Store in the coming months.

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International Day of Tolerance - Thursday, November 16th, 2023

By Ilene Frommer, LMFT

“Tolerance is respect, acceptance and appreciation of the rich diversity of our world's cultures, our forms of expression and ways of being human.” (Unesco Declaration of Principles on Tolerance Proclaimed and signed by members of the State of Unesco on 16 Nov 1995)

When I said I would write about the International Day of Tolerance, I had no idea what turmoil I would be feeling at this time with the newest Israel-Hamas war. How can we be tolerant where emotions run high and differences are highlighted? Although we may be having different reactions, hopefully, we can attempt to hold the complexity together for this and other worldwide extremely difficult situations.

Limitations of Mere Tolerance and the Importance of Fostering a More Inclusive and Respectful Society

Yet, tolerance is not well regarded by everyone with some researchers arguing that it is necessary to go beyond “mere” tolerance which says you are different and we will put up with you. (Laegaard, 2013; Macedo, 2000; Schirmer, Weidenstedt, & Reich, 2012)

2SLGBTQ+s and other marginalized communities do not want to be tolerated; they want to be respected for who they are. (De Sutter & De Lille, 2015) Tolerance in this context is seen as insufficient and potentially hurtful. Tolerance may be offensive and hurtful when it implies disapproval of differences in a culture that continues to struggle with social inequality and power domination, as well as depoliticization of diversity. By not addressing structural disadvantages mere tolerance is not enough. (Brown, 2008) Underrepresented groups deserve genuine respect not condescension. We do not want to add to unintended psychological trauma.

Let’s move beyond tolerance to create a society where all individuals are valued and can express their authentic selves without fear of discrimination or harm. My good friend and former colleague, Ever Flores, passionately states “In embracing acceptance of differences we acknowledge the inherent value and worth of every individual, regardless of their race, religion, gender, sexuality, or any other characteristic. When we accept others for who they truly are, we create an environment where everyone feels safe and valued.”

This is not the same as tolerance. A second-generation immigrant in Germany states that “It’s not tolerance I am asking for, it’s respect.” (van Quaquebeke, Heinrich, & Eckloff, 2007) Fostering a sense of safety, values and respect contributes to the betterment of society as a whole.

Historical Day of Tolerance

The historical significance of November 16th, chosen to honor Mahatma Gandhi's 125th birthday, highlights the importance of mindfulness and the promotion of human rights, equality, and diversity worldwide. “Only tolerance can ensure the survival of mixed communities in every region of the globe.” (Unesco archived 2022) In 2023 here in Sonoma County establishing a more inclusive society let us change the wording to go beyond “mere” tolerance to embracing acceptance as much as we can. In times of anxiety, anger, or despair, Daniel Siegel’s concept of the "window of tolerance" (using the word tolerance) is a valuable concept emphasizing that individuals function best when they are within this optimal state of arousal. This concept not only applies to individual well-being, but also has relevance on a global scale. By promoting empathy and understanding, we can collectively work towards ensuring that more people can stay within this "window of tolerance.” We are reminded of this on the DAY of TOLERANCE, and we embrace acceptance 365 days a year.

Intolerance and its consequences drives groups apart, creating a sense of permanent separation. For example, though the laws of apartheid in South Africa were abolished twenty-nine years ago there is still a noticeable level of personal separation between black and white South Africans perpetuating racial problems of intergroup resentment and hostility. And as my good friend in South Africa, Dr. Khalid Tickley states “We must continue to work towards the demise of the obnoxious system of apartheid which enforces discrimination on racial lines. … although great strides have been made.”

Why Does Embracing Differences Matter?

At a post-9/11 conference on multiculturalism in the United States, participants asked, "How can we be tolerant of those who are intolerant of us?" For many, tolerating intolerance is neither acceptable nor possible. Though Embracing Differences may seem an impossible exercise in certain situations --- embracing differences, nonetheless, remains key to easing hostile tensions between groups and to helping communities move past intractable conflict. That is because embracing differences is integral to different groups relating to one another in a respectful and understanding way. In cases where communities have been deeply entrenched in violent conflict, being accepting helps the affected groups endure the pain of the past and resolve their differences. In Rwanda, the Hutus and the Tutsis have worked on a reconciliation process which helps them to work through their anger and resentment.

How to Respond to Intolerance

Responding to intolerance is a delicate matter. If we consider the beliefs or behavior of another that doesn't affect anyone else--a personal decision to live in a particular way (such as following a particular religion, for example), we would agree that going beyond mere tolerance is almost always beneficial, as it is more likely to lead to interpersonal trust and further understanding. However, if we consider beliefs or actions of another that does affect other people--particularly actions that affect large numbers of people, then that is a different situation. We do not tolerate policies that allow the widespread dissemination of fake news and allow foreign governments to manipulate our minds such that they can manipulate our elections. That, in our minds is intolerable. So too are actions that destroy the rule of law in this country; actions that threaten our democratic system.

But that doesn't mean that we should respond to intolerance in kind. Rather, we would argue, one should respond to intolerance with respectful dissent--explaining why the intolerance is unfairly stereotyping an entire group of people; explaining why such stereotyping is both untrue and harmful; why a particular action is unacceptable because it threatens the integrity of our democratic system, explaining alternative ways of getting one's needs met. This can be done without attacking the people who are guilty of intolerance with direct personal attacks--calling them "haters," or shaming them for having voted a particular way. That just hardens the other sides' intolerance.

Modeling Respectful Behavior

Still, reason-based arguments probably won't be accepted right away. Much neuroscience research explains that emotions are stronger than facts and that people won't change their minds when presented with alternative facts--they will just reject those facts. But if people are presented with facts in the form of respectful discussion instead of personal attacks, that is both a factual and an emotional approach that can help de-escalate tensions and eventually allow for the development of tolerance. Personal attacks on the intolerant will not do that. So when anyone asks whether one should tolerate intolerance, I would say "no, one should not." But that doesn't mean that we have to treat the intolerant person disrespectfully or "intolerantly." Rather, model good, respectful behavior. Model the behavior we would like them to adopt. And use that to try to fight the intolerance, rather than simply "tolerating it." While respectful dissent and modeling may not be easy, they are a path that promotes understanding and dialogue over further polarization and animosity.

References here.

Thank you to our pal, Bob Dalzell, for coordinating Al-Anon as our sponsor!

A big thank you goes out to our sponsor: Al-Anon and Alateen! 

The prize baskets had lots of fun things in each. 

More prize baskets! 

Find out more about advertising with RECAMFT here. 

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"Seeing Clients When the Therapist Carries Their Own Distress"

By Judith Goleman, LMFT

2003 RECAMFT President

Laura Strom contacted me to write this short piece. She was aware that I am Jewish, and that I was very likely in distress because of the tragic experiences being had by residents of Israel and Gaza right now. She was right.

She wanted me to explore an issue each of us may have to handle at some time: How will we be there for our clients when we ourselves are dealing with a tragedy in our own lives.

Okay, it’s my turn right now – how am I handling it?

Let me explain why agonizing events in a country far away from me affect me so personally.

The land of Israel has been important and holy to Jewish people through the centuries. It’s where we started out, where the events in our Holy Books took place. It’s a place we have yearned to return to over many, many centuries. Our Passover service has always ended with the phrase: “Next year in Jerusalem”.

Now that we actually live there again we have the challenge, which our political systems have met or not met to varying degrees, to live there in a holy way. Giving dignity and safety to the Palestinian residents. Allowing all the varying degrees of observance of Judaism to be equally honored. Well, maybe we’ll have that accomplished well by next year in Jerusalem!

The Western Wall, Jerusalem

So, back to the question of how – as I feel my distress at the tragic harms being done to human beings, parents and children, Arab and Jewish residents of Israel and Gaza – how do I offer a calm, receptive presence to my clients. How do I become present to receive deeply the issues they are wrestling with in their own lives.

I think all of us - therapists - have had to develop some skill in not letting our personal issues color our time with our clients. For example, I know I’m going to be REALLY TIRED when I see my last Thursday evening client. I’m prepared to just keep going and handle it.

Regarding the news from Israel. It’s true that I am heartbroken and worried about Israel. Anyone who is injured, kidnapped or dies there feels like a relative to me – and possibly might be because Jewish people have been marrying each other for centuries.

I’m also concerned about the non-Jewish families who are in danger as a war breaks out around them. Non Jewish parents and children and human beings, who may be harmed or killed.

I am heartbroken, worried, personally involved, concerned. Hamas seems to have made its current plans with a lot of intelligence. I am worried.

I find, though, that when I’m actually seeing a client, the urgency of the client’s needs and the intensity of their presence makes it possible for me to put my own worries aside and be in the moment with them. I generally feel it’s a privilege to share so many profound and intimate moments of people’s lives. Somehow that has been enough that my own grief and worry drop out of my consciousness and I’m able to be a responsive, calm presence for my clients. At least so far.

Hope this is helpful. May we live in peace.

Judith Goleman, LMFT has a private practice in Sebastopol. Judith honored RECAMFT by serving as 2003 President twenty years ago, and we are grateful for her service.  

Thank you for reading this month's newsletter! RECAMFT is great because of involved members like you!!